[gentle music playing]
[presenter] If you have never seen Ellen do stand-up live,
you are in for a treat tonight.
[crowd cheering]
Two minutes.
[whoosh]
[Johnny Carson] ...her first appearance on network television.
Would you welcome Ellen DeGeneres.
Wouldn't it be great if we could pick up the phone
and call up God and ask,
"Yeah, hi, God. This is Ellen." [chuckles]
"Ellen."
"DeGeneres."
"DeGeneres." [chuckles]
"W-What's so funny?" [chuckles]
"I never thought of that. It does sound like that, doesn't it?"
[audience laughs]
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today. We don't know where the hell she is.
- [laughter] - [reporter 1] Ellen is on the fast track.
She's one of the top female comedians on television.
[reporter 2] Ellen's new sitcom is a certifiable top-ten hit.
[reporter 3] The real Ellen is putting all that success and fame at risk.
Susan...
I'm gay.
[reporter 4] More than 36 million people watched her coming-out episode.
Why did you think it was necessary for you to come out?
Because it's okay. [echoing]
[Barbara Walters] Ellen finds herself at the center of a storm of controversy.
[Diane Sawyer] Being accused of going too far, too gay.
[Ellen as Dory] When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?
♪ Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming ♪
[reporter 5] She may have pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time.
[reporter 6] The Ellen Show has become one of the most popular shows in the world,
praised for delivering a daily dose of joy
with its unique mix of dancing, games,
talk, and millions of dollars in audience giveaways.
[reporter 7] Spreading laughter seems to be working well
for the entertainer and comedian,
and she's showing no signs of slowing down.
A few years ago, I started ending my show by saying, "Be kind to one another."
Here's the downside, um,
I can never do anything unkind ever now, ever.
[reporter 8] Breaking news tonight.
Is the queen of nice
- really the queen of mean? - [sighs]
[reporter 9] Respond to this with the most insane stories
about Ellen being mean.
[woman] She's not the happy-go-lucky nice person...
[reporter 10] Ellen DeGeneres is under fire again
with accusations of a toxic work environment.
[woman 1] Toxic. Phony. Hypocrite. Liar.
[woman 2] Things are spiraling.
[voices overlapping] Ellen DeGeneres... DeGeneres... DeGeneres...
[echoing builds]
[voices end abruptly]
[reporter] It's a breaking story in the world of entertainment,
and this is great, great news.
Ellen is back.
Although, she's saying this new special will be her farewell.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering excitedly]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much. It seems like you still care.
[audience cheering]
You know, I used to say that I didn't care what other people thought of me.
I realize now, looking back, I said that at the height of my popularity.
[audience laughs]
If I look older than when you saw me last,
it's because I'm older than when you saw me last.
[audience laughs]
And also, I stopped doing Botox and filler.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Yeah.
I used to do Botox back when I didn't care what other people thought of me.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles softly]
That's when I did it.
Such a waste of time to worry about what people think of us.
Just a waste of energy. We're just guessing. We don't know.
It's impossible to know what people are thinking.
I walk out here tonight and I'm hoping that you're thinking,
"This is marvelous. I'm so happy to be here."
That is my hope, but...
[audience cheering]
Well...
Good.
[audience laughs]
But some of you could be thinking, "Let's see how this goes."
[audience laughs]
Some of you may be thinking,
"Why is she doing this? Does she owe back taxes?"
[audience laughs]
I'm here because I love doing stand-up.
I miss doing stand-up, and I like making people happy,
and I do care what people think.
[audience cheering]
We all care what people think.
We can say we don't. We can pretend we don't care.
All it takes is trying to parallel park in front of a crowded outdoor café.
[audience laughs]
Spot looks big enough.
[audience laughs]
You line it up the way you always do. You pull in, cut it a little too close.
You're scraping the hubcap the entire way along the curb.
Making a very loud noise.
Put it in drive, pull out. Try it again.
Now you've overcompensated.
You're sticking so far out, you're blocking traffic in that lane.
Now you have a decision to make.
Do you have the confidence to pull out and do it right this time?
Or do you do that back-and-forth, back-and-forth, back-and-forth...
inching your way to the curb?
Knowing how long that's gonna take, and people are watching.
[audience laughs]
The deep shame you feel when you give up and drive away.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
Even if you're meeting someone, you say, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it."
[audience laughs]
And they're like, "You did. I was sitting there, I was watching you."
[audience laughs]
"I started the chant."
[audience laughs]
[Ellen giggles]
It's funny how we can be embarrassed all by ourselves in a car.
All by ourselves, for anything, just any stupid reason.
Like, even if we just can't figure out how to turn our windshield wipers off.
Which, to me, is one of the most embarrassing things,
is driving a car when it's not raining and the windshield wipers are going.
And it's because someone decided to add a random one.
We had... The windshield wiper situation was fine.
We had the fast mode for when it's raining heavily, medium, light.
And then someone decided
we're just gonna wash away the rain once in a while.
[audience laughs]
We don't need to see all the time.
And it's always a surprise 'cause you think the rain has stopped,
you've turned it off and you're driving along,
and five minutes later, you see this thing, like...
Then you're trying to fiddle with it, trying to turn it off,
and you don't know how 'cause it's always different.
Sometimes it's on the end of the lever on the steering wheel.
Sometimes there's a lever within the lever, the baby lever.
Like the lever had a baby and it's inside the lever right there.
Tiny baby lever.
You don't trust it 'cause you're just waiting...
Even if it's not going, you're like,
"It's gonna go again. I know it. I feel it."
And then finally, it does, and then you feel pretty confident about it.
Then you catch the rearview mirror, your back one's been on the whole time.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
That's what you did. You turned that one on.
You turn that off, turn everything back on again.
You have to sell your car.
[audience laughs]
There's so many extraneous things in a car we don't need.
For instance, I have never used my parking brake.
I've never parked my car and thought,
"I want it more parked than this."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
There are things you need, the seat adjustments.
Scoot forward. Lean back. You need those.
Then there's that one button that inflates the back of the seat,
the one that makes you feel like you're getting spooned by a pregnant woman.
[audience laughs]
"Oh boy."
"Ooh!"
"All right."
Apparently, it's for lumbar support.
Got to support your lumbar.
You got to.
It's all any of us knows about the lumbar.
It's got to be supported.
[audience laughs]
You don't get support for your lumbar any place other than your car.
[audience laughs]
You don't even hear about the lumbar anyplace else.
[audience laughs]
"Bill, what's wrong? What's happening?"
"It's my damn lumbar."
[audience laughs]
"I haven't been driving enough lately."
- [audience laughs] - Mm.
[chuckling]
That's how you walk when your lumbar is out.
There are buttons in my car I've never used, never will use.
There's a button with squiggly lines next to a misshapen peanut.
I don't know.
[audience laughs]
I've never touched it.
I'm fine.
There's a button with tally marks next to a sideways yarmulke. What the hell?
[audience laughs]
Don't get me started on the dashboard lights too.
The dashboard lights are not illuminated all the time.
So when they are, it must mean something serious, right?
But "check engine"? That's vague.
[audience laughs]
I've checked it. It's there.
[audience laughs]
I shouldn't have to guess from an exclamation point
between two parentheses that my tire pressure is low.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
But if my windshield wiper fluid is low, all the words,
"windshield wiper fluid low."
"Oh, my God. Pull over!"
[audience laughs]
Just 'cause I don't know my buttons, doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Just means I'm not interested.
We're all interested in different things, all good at different things.
I was talking to someone and they said,
"I don't know how you get on stage. I could never do that."
I said, "Well, I don't know how you dry-clean clothes."
[audience laughs]
Clean clothes dryly.
And then you Martinize on top of that.
Some of you are in your twenties. You don't know what Martinizing is.
[audience laughs]
No.
[audience cheering]
It's not my job to explain it to you.
Also, I don't know and I never have.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
None of us do.
Let me catch you up on what's been going on with me since you saw me last.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
I got chickens.
[audience laughs]
- Yeah. - [cheering]
Thank you. I love them so very much.
Chickens are the best bird to have at home, I think so.
A lot of people think parrots, but they're so gossipy.
[audience laughs]
You have to be really careful what you say around them.
Chickens will never talk.
They have little personalities.
I've always wanted chickens. Now I have them, they're so cute.
They see me. They recognize me when I walk towards them, and they run to me.
I put a swing in there for them, and they get on a swing.
Chicken on a swing. That's ridiculous.
[audience laughs]
I have a bench in there and I go sit there,
and they sit on my lap, and I pet them and they fall asleep,
and they give me an egg every day.
They lay an egg every day.
As someone who hosted a daily talk show, I can really appreciate that.
- [audience laughs] - Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
I'm sure they're thinking, "I just laid an egg."
I don't think I can do that again tomorrow."
And yet, they do.
They're curious little animals too. They're very curious.
Hey, you know how people always ask, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
I think I know, now that I have chickens. It's their innate sense of adventure.
[audience laughs]
[chortles]
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry to be just another comedian going on and on about her chickens.
[audience laughs]
Another thing about chickens is that, um...
[audience laughs]
...they... they fly.
People think they're flightless birds, and that is not true.
They do fly. The longest recorded chicken flight is 13 seconds.
Isn't that amazing?
Someone thought to time that.
- [audience laughs] - Yeah.
Also, chickens dream.
Scientists have discovered that chickens dream.
Now listen, I love animals more than anyone,
but we could take scientists working on chicken dreams
and move them on over to climate change.
[audience laughing and cheering]
I'm not saying that chicken dreaming is not worth studying, it is.
But we don't need our top minds on it, I don't think.
I am curious. What do they dream about? Probably the same things we do.
Probably flying. But 14 or 15 seconds for them, you know.
Mm.
That's all for chickens.
- [audience laughs] - Yeah.
Got to save some for the memoir.
- [audience laughs] - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah. - [cheering and applause]
Yeah.
Let me see what else I can tell you about that has been going on.
Chickens...
[audience laughs]
Oh yeah, I got kicked out of show business.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. Yeah.
[audience cheering]
Thanks.
Yeah, 'cause I'm mean. Yeah.
You can't be mean and be in show business.
No, they'll kick you out.
No mean people in show business.
I'm out.
Yeah, y'all heard I was mean. Everybody heard that I was mean.
Everywhere I go, I know everyone's heard that I'm mean.
I know when I walk into a restaurant, people are watching,
waiting to see if I'll be mean.
[audience laughs]
[applause]
"Do you think she'll be mean first and then dance?"
[audience laughs]
"Look, she... Oh, she's reaching for butter."
[audience laughs]
"I thought she was gonna hit somebody."
"All right, I'm gonna eat. You watch now."
[inhales] That was a big story, huh?
That had some legs on it.
The first I heard about it, I... I came across a headline that said,
"How Ellen DeGeneres became the most hated person in America."
Now, I didn't see the other names on the ballot, but I have to...
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering loudly]
Yeah.
It's... It's an impressive title, it really is. It's a...
It's a horrible thing to say about somebody, and to make it worse,
there was no trophy, no awards banquet, nothing.
Just the title, just, you know...
I made a sash at home and I wore that around,
just to... to feel like I had something, you know?
It was quite a shock to me because for 17 years,
there were all these polls
basically saying I was one of the most trusted people in the country.
There was a poll that asked people,
"Which celebrity would you most want to babysit your child?"
And I was the number one answer.
[applause]
[audience cheering]
Because when you think "good with kids,"
you immediately think childless, lesbian stand-up comedian.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
Once they heard that I might be mean, they didn't want me to babysit anymore.
So it wasn't all bad. [chuckles]
No.
I was in therapy for a while
trying to deal with all the hatred coming at me,
and it was not a common situation for a therapist to deal with.
My therapist said,
"Ellen, where do you get this idea that everyone hates you?"
And I said, "Well, um, New York Times, Washington Post,
Entertainment Weekly, Us Weekly."
"I think Elmo may have said something recently on an episode of Sesame Street."
She said, "You just need to avoid looking at the news, just avoid media."
And I was like, "I am. I'm not looking at anything."
I would know when something was going on
because I'd start getting text from friends saying,
"Thinking of you," or, "Sending love." And I'd be like, "Oh."
"Why do I need love sent?"
"The 'be kind' girl wasn't kind." That was the headline.
Here's the problem. I'm a comedian who got a talk show,
and I ended the show every day by saying, "Be kind to one another."
[audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
Yeah.
I know. It seemed like a good idea.
But I became a brand, a one-dimensional character
who gave stuff away and danced every day up steps.
Do you know how hard it was to dance up steps?
Would a mean person dance up steps? I don't think so.
Had I ended my show by saying, "Go fuck yourselves..."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
...people would have been pleasantly surprised to find out I'm kind.
[audience laughs]
I loved that show. I loved everything about that show.
It was a family to me. Here's something sweet.
Sixteen people who worked there started out straight,
and by the time they left, were gay.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
You don't see Jimmy Kimmel doing those kind of numbers.
[audience laughs]
You know what's funny, is that when I first came out,
people were afraid that watching my show would turn people gay.
Which is ridiculous.
You have to work there. You have to fill out a W-2.
And then, you turn gay.
We had so much fun together at that show.
We laughed all the time. We played games all the time.
I started a game of tag in, like, 2016
that we played all the way till when the show ended
'cause I just loved playing games.
We played tag, and I would chase people down the hallways,
I would chase them around the studio and scare them all the time.
I would jump out, scare people 'cause I would love to do that, and...
Hearing myself say this out loud, I...
realize I was chasing my employees and terrorizing them.
I can see where that would be misinterpreted.
Well...
We had morning meetings every morning in my office.
The producers would come in, writers would come in,
and we'd talk about what we were gonna do on the show that day.
And Andy Lassner was one of my executive producers.
- [audience cheering] - Yeah.
Uh, Andy is a very nervous man, and he...
Everything scares him.
He could drop his pen and it would startle him.
He's just a nervous man.
And Alison was one of my writers who was scared of snakes.
Anything snake-related.
So, sometimes, before they'd come into my office,
we would hide rubber snakes in a panel in the ceiling,
and I had a button that I could push that would release the snakes down...
[audience exclaims]
Again, hearing myself say this out loud...
But they liked it. [chuckles]
They did.
There are a lot of perks with having your own television show.
Number one has to be the ability to say to someone,
"We should have a panel in the ceiling that releases snakes."
[audience laughs]
And then another adult says, "Yeah, we'll get that started right away."
Scaring was just a big component of the show.
We would... You know, we started with scaring guests,
and I don't remember exactly how it started.
It was some simple, like...
I think Chris Hemsworth, or some big strong guy that was on the show,
we found out was scared of crickets.
So we had someone dress as a cricket and sneak up behind his chair
when he was talking, and... [roars]
...you know, make a cricket noise and scare him.
And then it just escalated.
We just decided to make it more surprising to people, and, eventually,
we, uh, built a table that looked like the table between me and the guest,
but it was actually a box where someone could pop out and scare them.
But the guests got wise to that,
and if they saw that it was a box, they would open it and look in the box.
So we built a tunnel under the stage that went into the box...
so that when they checked it, it was empty, and then they'd close it,
and somebody would crawl into the box from underneath.
I was a very immature boss.
[audience laughs]
I didn't want to be a boss. I didn't go to business school.
I went to Charlie's Chuckle Hut.
It looked like I was the boss.
The show is called Ellen, and everybody's wearing T-shirts that say Ellen,
and there were buildings all over the Warner Bros. lot that said Ellen.
But I don't think that meant that I should be in charge.
I don't think that Ronald McDonald's the CEO of McDonald's.
[applause]
[audience cheering]
Everything I knew about being a boss, I learned from movies.
And those were things like saying, "Jenkins, my office, now!"
Or, "The name's Frank, how the hell are you?"
But those were men bosses.
Women bosses didn't come along for a while,
not till around the time of Martinizing, I think.
[audience laughs]
No.
But men bosses and women bosses are different.
Like, a woman boss couldn't say, "Jenkins, my office, now."
A woman boss would have to use more words.
A woman boss would have to say something like,
"Excuse me, Jenkins. I don't want to bother you."
"If you're not too busy, could you step into my office real quick?"
"I just have to talk to you for a second. Thank you so much."
[audience cheering]
'Cause women are raised in a different way.
At least I was. I was raised to be a people pleaser.
I was taught, when I was a little girl, to be small and quiet and agreeable.
And it's crazy what I've done with my life,
'cause I'm exactly the opposite of how I was raised to be.
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
Most women aren't raised with confidence. We just aren't.
We're too self-conscious,
which is why you rarely see a woman playing air guitar.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
I love how they make it like it's hard. Like something's happening there.
Men can get away with acting out things
that aren't actually happening and not look crazy, somehow.
A man, in the middle of nowhere, and for no reason,
can practice an imaginary golf swing.
Just...
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
"Oh, no, I'm not in line."
"I'm just waiting for my latte. You go ahead."
[chuckles]
Men'll jump up and see if they can slap the top of a doorframe.
[audience laughs]
I've never had that urge.
"I wonder if I could hit that?"
"Tiffany, hold my purse. I'm gonna give it a try."
[audience cheering]
[groans] "I couldn't do it! I didn't. Give me my purse. I didn't do it."
Good.
We have all these unwritten rules based on gender, of acceptable behavior,
of who we're allowed to be and how we're allowed to act.
If we don't follow those rules, it makes people uncomfortable.
When people get uncomfortable, there are consequences.
For those of you keeping score, this is the second time
I've been kicked out of show business.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Yeah.
Kicked me out before 'cause I told them I was gay.
No gay people in show business.
[audience laughs]
No.
They'll kick you out.
Can't be gay and be in show business.
Eventually, they're gonna kick me out a third time for being old.
Mean, old, and gay. The triple crown.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
I knew it was a risk to tell people I was gay
'cause I knew a lot of people didn't like gay people.
If they did, we wouldn't have needed the parade.
Listen, we don't like all of you either, but we don't make a big thing about it.
[audience cheering]
Most of us get into this business
because we didn't get enough love or attention as a child.
So we go into a business that depends on people liking us to be successful.
What's wrong with us? [chuckles]
For me, it was never about the money. It was about healing my childhood wounds.
I thought if I could make people happy, then they'll like me.
And if they like me, I'll feel good about myself.
And all I can say about that is, "Thank God for the money."
[audience laughs]
'Cause it's a fickle business.
They liked me for a long time. I was on a sitcom, I made them laugh.
They liked me, then I told them I was gay, and they didn't like me.
Then I got a talk show, and I gave them TVs and cars,
and I danced, and they liked me.
Then they heard a rumor I was mean, they didn't like me.
So it's been a real test for my ego and my self-esteem
because there's such extremes in this business.
There are people who love you and idolize you,
and then there are people who hate you, just really loudly hate you.
So, sometimes, I long for my childhood,
when I just had good old-fashioned neglect.
[audience laughs]
What was wrong with that?
[chuckles]
It's been two years since the show ended and it's been an adjustment,
because for 19 years, I drove onto the Warner Bros. lot,
passed a giant billboard of my face.
So the first thing I did was
I had a giant billboard of my face installed on my lawn,
so I saw that when I drove in.
Yeah, then I put an "applause" sign in the dining room,
and that's helping also.
But, really, I've only known myself working for 40 years.
That's all I've done, is work.
So I didn't really have a lot of free time and didn't have hobbies.
Now there's a lot of free time,
so I'm trying to figure out what to do with that.
So I got the chickens, remember? I don't know if you...
Yeah.
I decided to take up gardening
'cause everybody talks about gardening and how great gardening is.
It's not.
[audience laughs]
No.
It's really not.
I got the overalls and the tool belt and the hat.
I looked adorable. I did.
But I find once you put the plants in the ground, you're no longer gardening.
You're just waiting, you know?
I tell people I grew these strawberries,
but at best I was just there when it happened.
It's the sun and the sprinklers that should take the credit.
I'm more like the strawberries' godmother showing up on its birthday.
"Look how big you're getting."
[audience laughs]
"See you at Christmas, maybe."
It is relaxing to be out there, though.
Mainly 'cause the garden gloves make it impossible for me to look at my phone.
Yeah.
Sometimes, I'll put the garden gloves on and go inside and lay down.
Yeah.
It's just as relaxing, really.
My garden gloves and my sweatpants...
I live in sw... When I'm at home, I just wear sweatpants.
I don't understand people who don't just wear sweatpants at home.
Like, what's the point, you know?
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
I take off my going-out clothes.
I take those off, put on my staying-home clothes.
Once I'm in my sweatpants, I'm not leaving. Not leaving the house.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine texted me, and he said,
"Would you like to come over for a last-minute dinner party for Mick?"
As in Jagger.
[audience exclaims]
Now, I've never met Mick Jagger, and I would love to meet Mick Jagger,
but I was in my sweatpants already, and I was not leaving.
[audience cheering]
That's what I told him, and he could not believe
that was the reason I wasn't going.
I guess most people would make something up
because it is a ridiculous reason, and I know that, but it was the truth.
You know? And, you know, people say honesty is the best policy.
I don't know why they say that.
It's only the best policy
if it's something you want to hear, really.
Like, there are certain degrees of honesty.
If you tell someone there's something stuck in their teeth,
they don't love that, but they kind of appreciate that and they'll take that.
But as soon as you tell someone that all of their stories should be 50% shorter...
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
...you lose 100% of their friendship, is what happens.
People say it's hard to tell the truth. For me, it's hard not to tell the truth.
Which is why it was really difficult for me to keep my sexuality a secret,
because I felt such guilt for not being honest about who I was.
I felt shame for how society was making me feel.
I felt fear for what would happen to my career if I did come out.
Ultimately, I decided it's more important for me to be honest about who I am.
[audience cheering]
Yeah.
They say, "The truth will set you free," and it did.
I was free for three years.
[audience laughs]
Nobody would hire me.
Truth will make you broke.
People lie so much these days, they really do.
You can tell, because they make such a big deal of it
when they're telling the truth.
They'll say things like, "Well, to tell you the truth..."
or, "If I'm being honest..."
If you're being honest?
I prefer it the other way around. "Listen, I'm gonna lie to you here."
[audience laughs]
"That lasagna was phenomenal."
[audience laughs]
Most people tell me that they appreciate my honesty
because they know where they stand with me,
but someone did suggest that I get tested to see if I'm on the spectrum.
And, uh, I'm not on the spectrum.
And I wouldn't care if I was on the spectrum, but I'm not.
Well, I am on the spectrum.
[audience laughs]
We all are. It's a spectrum.
[audience laughing and cheering]
I'm on the part of the spectrum where someone on the spectrum
would have a problem with me saying I'm on the spectrum, so...
Yeah, that's right.
But I may have OCD because a therapist said so.
And I said, "Yes, I am very organized," because I thought that was the "O."
[audience laughs]
I didn't know what OCD was.
I was raised in a religion, Christian Science,
that doesn't acknowledge diseases or disorders.
So, when I was growing up, nobody talked about anything.
There was no discussion of anything.
I look back now, and I realize my dad for sure had OCD.
He would check the doorknob 15 times before we would leave.
He would check the faucet 15 times.
He would unplug all the appliances before we left the house
because lightning could strike, and it would catch fire.
They say it could be hereditary.
So I went home and I asked Portia, I said, "Do you think I may have OCD?"
And she said, "Yes, you do."
[audience laughs]
Barely got that sentence out, really.
It's funny, I've never thought of myself as obsessive.
I think of myself as careful,
and everyone else careless and out of control.
[audience laughs]
I asked her what I obsess about, and she said, "You obsess about time."
And that is true. I don't like to be late. I like to be on time.
So, sometimes, that makes us early.
This is the example she said I should share with you.
I, um...
There are many, but this is the one she said.
Usher was having an after-party for the Grammys one year,
and we got there so early, it was just us and the staff.
[audience laughs]
Yup.
We helped place candles on tables.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
[chuckles]
I invoiced him $200.
These are my confessions.
I just don't know why the invitation says a certain time for a party to start,
and then everyone goes an hour or two later.
People seem to think that 6:00 means 7:00, 7:00 means 8:00, 8:00 means 9:00.
9:00 means nothing to me, 'cause I'm not going.
[audience laughs]
9:00.
Who starts something at 9:00?
Anyway, I obsess on time, and, uh, I obsess on animals.
I know I obsess on animals 'cause I love them too much.
Like, way too much.
I think about how they see things and what they feel and what they think.
And I worry about butterflies in rainstorms, and how delicate they are,
and how their little tiny feet are holding on to a blade of grass,
trying to...
Winds blowing...
The rain is happening on their little tiny wings...
Saturating their wings, and their feet holding...
Especially if it's a butterfly.
What if it's his first day, and they're, like, "Is this life? This is horrible."
Ooh...
[chuckling] "I should have stayed a caterpillar."
[audience laughs]
[chuckling]
The monarch butterfly, think about that. How crazy is that story?
You know the story. I don't have to tell you.
But I will. The little tiny caterpillar...
[audience laughs]
I mean, how does it even make it past the caterpillar stage?
It's a larva, and then that somehow gets into a caterpillar.
And a caterpillar just... And somehow, it just knows instinctively
it's time for that part of its life to change.
"That's done. I'm gonna put myself into a chrysalis."
And then it turns into liquid somehow.
And then it becomes a butterfly flying for the first time.
And it looks drunk and confused, the way they, you know...
[audience laughs]
And they make it to Mexico that way. I don't know how.
[audience cheering]
The butterfly is beautiful, and people talk about the butterfly,
but the butterfly wouldn't be the butterfly without the caterpillar.
I mean, the deep knowing that that caterpillar has.
Its only perspective is crawling on the ground
and it's looking at other crawling things saying,
"I'm gonna fly someday."
"And I'm gonna go to Mexico."
And they're like, "No, you're not."
"And what's Mexico?"
But I don't know if we really fully appreciate what that metamorphosis is.
The fact that it's a caterpillar,
it knows to change and becomes this other thing entirely.
That's genius. It's brilliance.
And the octopus, the octopus being able to change texture and shape
and form and color instantaneously, depending on what it's on.
That's genius.
A colony of ants or of bees, the way they communicate,
and there's no chaos between all of those things.
Everything in nature is living up to its full potential.
But I am so disappointed in pigeons.
[audience laughs]
What happened to them?
I mean, pigeons, they have built-in GPS in their beaks.
And they can fly for hundreds of miles. In World War II, they saved lives.
They were taking messages from generals to other generals and saving lives.
There are pictures of them in the newspaper with medals,
not pinned, but around their necks,
that they received for what they did in World War II, and now look at them.
Just pecking at old gum in filthy alleyways and parking lots.
They could be anywhere.
I would feel sorry for them, but they made a choice.
[audience laughs]
I mean, they barely fly anymore. They... They're just, uh, filthy.
And even if a car is coming, they don't even fly to get out of the way.
"All right. Okay, all right. Okay!"
"All right. Okay, okay, all right. Okay!"
[applause]
[audience cheering]
Sometimes, it looks like they're gonna do something important.
You'll see a bunch, and they all get up at once.
Again, that kind of communication.
All of them get up at once, they fly, and they just go in one big circle,
and they go right back to where they were.
God, you guys.
Not living up to their potential.
I rescued a pigeon one time. I'll rescue anything.
I've always tried to save animals my whole life.
But I saw a one-legged pigeon on the street near where I lived,
and I took it home because I knew it wasn't gonna make it on the street
and I didn't know how to take care of it.
I mean, never had a pigeon, so I just threw gum and trash down...
[audience laughs]
...dirt, thinking that's what it eats.
You know, because I've never seen it...
It didn't make it.
I'll rescue anything. I really will.
And if I see a sign of someone posting a cat or a dog missing,
when they post those pictures,
I will drive around and I will try to find that animal.
And it's not just for the reward money.
[audience laughs]
It's not.
No.
I rescued a dog one time.
I was driving, and I see this dog all by itself,
and I get out of the car, and it's soaking wet.
I'm like, "Oh my God, what happened to you?"
Take it home, dry it off, stays with me for the night.
Put out posters the next afternoon.
Get a call from the people saying, "Thank God. Where did you find it?"
And I told them, and they said, "That's where we live."
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
They said, "We had just given it a bath, and we put her on the lawn to dry out."
It was pretty close to the sidewalk when I saw it.
[chuckles]
Anyway, I obsess on things.
I have ADD, and I blame the talk show for that
because for 19 years, I was talking to people in five-minute segments.
When I'm at a party and someone's talking to me longer than five minutes,
I have the urge to say, "I'm sorry, we have to take a break."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
Parties are hard for me. Parties are very hard for me.
People are wanting to talk and stuff, and...
[inhales]
They always talk about books they're reading.
I don't read. I want to.
I try to read, but my ADD makes it really hard for me.
As much as I try to focus on the words,
I end up thinking about a sandwich I had earlier that day.
Moby Dick, for me, is two pages about a whale
and 425 pages about me wondering if I should grow my hair out or keep it short.
[audience laughs]
I've had it short for a while. I should try to grow it out, probably.
Maybe to my shoulder-length or something like that.
Not much longer than that.
I wonder how long that would take, though?
I should probably keep it short, I think. That's better.
Why not try something different, though? I should.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's done.
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
Yeah, my ADD makes it really hard for me to sit down and focus on anything at all.
Like, do you know how hard it was for me to put this together?
Of course you don't. Why would I ask that question?
Why do people ask people questions they know they don't have the answer to?
Why do people say, "Guess what I did yesterday?"
Do I have to? Is it a game? Is there a prize? I don't want to.
"You'll never guess what I did yesterday." You're right, I won't. I won't.
Probably not. Unless it's something really average, like you had lunch.
You said I'll never guess, so it's probably something weird,
like you got a chinchilla and named it "Stewart." I don't know.
So it's hard for me to focus, and I get, like...
When I was thinking about pigeons and how disappointed I was in them,
I was... I remembered that I had rescued the pigeon 'cause I'd forgotten.
I was like, "Yeah, I rescued that one-legged pigeon."
And when I wrote down "legged," I did the hyphen thing,
and I thought, "leg-ged" or "legged"? Is it "legged"?
"One-leg-ged"? "One-legged" pigeon or "one-leg-ged"?
It's not "one arm-med." You don't "one arm-med." Armed.
But it's two Gs, so "leg-ged"?
You don't go, "I beg-ged for food." No. You don't stay, "I got mug-ged."
It's "leg-ged." Or "legged." "One-leg pigeon." "One-legged"?
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon." "One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon"?
"One-leg-ged pigeon." A one-leg...
"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon." "One-leg-ged" pigeon.
[audience cheering]
So, I have ADD. I have OCD. I'm losing my memory.
But I think I'm well-adjusted because I obsess on things
but don't have the attention span to stick with it,
then I forget what I was obsessing about in the first place.
So it takes me all the way around to being well-adjusted, I think.
Yeah.
[applause]
[chuckles]
I'm very impatient.
That is a problem for me. I'm very impatient.
It's hard for me to live in the moment. We're supposed to live in the moment.
But every moment...
Eh...
The spiritual teacher Ram Dass wrote a book called Be Here Now.
I'd like to write one for people with ADD and call it,
Yeah, but What's That over There?
[audience laughs]
There are all these books out there telling us how to live,
telling us why we're here.
'Cause why are we here, really?
I mean, obviously, to gossip
and make fun of each other on the internet, but why else?
These things I think about now that I'm older.
I'm 66 years old, and I...
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
That's how you know you're old, you get the applause.
[audience laughs]
You don't get it when you're 30, or even in your 50s.
It starts around 60.
So I don't like the word "old."
I think it's a bad word. It just sounds bad. "Old."
"Is that bread still good?" "No, that's old."
"Old."
And I don't feel old.
The only time I feel old is when I'm in a restaurant
trying to read a menu.
That is the only time I feel old.
Yeah.
[applause]
You know all the reasons.
It's like, too dark in there. It's always too dark.
And the way they think they're gonna help, they put a tealight candle on the table.
Which does nothing. I blow it out. I just blow it out and, "Oh, okay."
You're gonna light it again? All right, I'm just gonna...
Because it doesn't do anything. That's why.
Why are you lighting... Okay, I'll do it again.
I'm just gonna put it in my pocket. How about that?
You can't see.
And if you put your flashlight on your phone to try to read the menu,
that just automatically says, "Old." That's just...
That's... They should come with a sound effect.
When you put the flashlight on... "Old!" It should just be "Old!"
And even if you can see, the print is so small.
I don't know who is printing these menus, but the print is so tiny.
It's like they're using a jeweler's loupe to make the font. It's tiny, tiny font.
You can't read it. I'm like, "Can you see that?"
"Does that say 'tortilla' or 'trampoline?' What does that say to you?"
"I can't see anything. Yeah."
"Hi. Okay, I'll go ahead and order. "I'm gonna get the pasta with stem cells."
[audience laughs]
They have a children's menu. They should have a larger-print menu for older people
with a bendy light so you can see it.
[audience cheering]
Or, even better, they should come out in audiobook.
A menu could be an audio...
Meryl Streep reads The Cheesecake Factory.
"Pancakes."
[chuckling]
[chuckling] I don't do impressions, that's...
"Pancakes."
When you're this age, the doctors start asking you to come in for checkups.
Even though there's nothing wrong with you, they just want to see you.
It's a scam. They're just looking for stuff.
They ask you all kinds of personal stuff.
"How many drinks per week do you have?"
First of all, it's none of your business.
[audience cheering]
Second of all, I'm gonna lie to you here. Three.
[audience laughs]
"Drinks per week."
How about I start with "per day" before I do that math, okay?
"Carry the two."
They just look for stuff.
My doctor said, "When's the last time you had a bone density test?"
And I said, "A what?"
"Bone density test." I said, "I've never had a bone density test."
"Well, at your age, you should get one." I said, "Why? I'm in good shape."
"No, you should get one at your age."
So I got the stupid bone density test.
I'm off the charts.
Below it.
I have full-on osteoporosis.
I don't even know how I'm standing up right now.
[audience laughs]
I'm like a human sandcastle. I could disintegrate in the shower.
I have to take that Prolia shot every six months.
Remember the commercial where the woman's walking
and a kid darts out on the skateboard or something... "Whoa!"
"Whoa!"
That's me.
It's hard to be honest about aging and seem cool.
Hey, if you got arthritis in your knee, make some noise!
- [audience cheering] - Oh!
Me, too.
I just had excruciating pain one day,
and I thought I tore a ligament or something.
I got the MRI, and they're, like, "No, it's just arthritis."
I said, "How'd I get that?" He goes, "It just happens at your age."
All these things just happen at your age.
It's around the time you start watching Wheel of Fortune.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
There's no buildup, you just find yourself sitting there enjoying it one day.
"That's a pretty gown Vanna's wearing."
The prizes are tricky on there, I find. I think they really are.
I had a 20-minute conversation about this the other day.
If you land on the dollar amount, the $300, or the $1,500,
you get that, right?
But if you land on the car. Honk, honk! Half a car, by the way.
You're trying to land on the million dollars,
that's what you want.
But the million dollars is sandwiched in between two bankrupts.
If you freeze-frame it, you'll notice that the bankrupts
are a little bit larger than the sliver of the million dollars.
You'll see when you freeze-frame it, it's just...
When you land on it, you're like, "I got a million dollars!"
But no, you don't.
You have to have so many other things that line up to get that,
which I was telling myself when Portia walked in
and said, "Who are you talking to?"
[audience laughs]
[applause]
[chuckles]
Another thing that happens when you age, you just start talking to yourself.
I'd probably be doing this exact same thing right now if you weren't here.
[audience laughs]
Aging is very interesting. Aging is tough on its own, but aging...
Then you have aging parents, which a lot of people are dealing with now,
which is really, really tough.
My father is no longer with us.
Well, he was never with you, um...
- [audience laughs] - [chuckles]
My mother has dementia now, and, um... which is a horrible disease.
And so many people are dealing with it right now.
My mother is lucky in the sense that she doesn't know she has it.
So she's actually happy. She's really happy.
She's in a really nice place. I have her in, uh... a facility that...
They have a lot of activities to keep them stimulated.
There's painting, and arts and crafts, and bus rides,
and different things that happen, um...
I don't know whose idea this was, but someone booked a magician.
[audience laughs]
He... [chuckles] He was so excited to be there.
He was wearing a tuxedo that fit him at one point in his life, and...
he's sitting, and he's got a table.
Thirteen women in different stages of dementia, and...
"Pick a card."
[audience laughs]
Eh?
"I can't see it. What is it?" "It's a queen of hearts."
"No, don't tell her. I want you to look at it, and just..."
"You just look at that and remember it, okay."
"All right."
"Put it back in the deck now."
He goes through the whole thing.
"Is this your card?"
"No." "Yes, it is!"
[audience laughs]
"Yes!"
"That's your card!"
"No."
"You picked that card. Put it back in."
Oh, he got so mad. He just...
He didn't even have to do anything. He could have left the room and come back.
"Oh, a magician!" You know, they would have been like...
[chuckling] God...
[chuckles]
It's always interesting having a conversation with her.
You never know what you're gonna get.
And not too long ago, she said,
"You didn't go to college, did you?" I said, "No."
She goes, "That's a shame. I would have been so proud of you."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Well, I think I did okay."
"I had that show you liked. Remember the show?"
"Yeah, I still watch it every day."
I said, "No, I don't think so, um..."
"Yeah, I watch it every day." I said, "No, it's not on anymore."
And she goes, "Then, who am I watching?"
[audience laughs]
"Kelly Clarkson. Judge Judy. I don't know."
"Well, yesterday's was very good. It was the best one yet." Okay.
You know, I realize now that my whole life was wrapped up in that show,
and my mother's whole identity was being Ellen's mom.
And now I don't have a show, and she doesn't know she's my mom.
She just thinks I'm a nice lady that visits her.
Although, there's a good chance she thinks I'm Kelly Ripa, but...
[audience laughs]
But she's happy, and that's all that matters.
[audience cheering]
And I'm happy too.
- [audience cheering] - Uh...
Yeah.
I'm happy not being a boss or a brand or a billboard, just a person.
Just a multifaceted person with different feelings and emotions,
and I can be happy and sad and compassionate or frustrated.
I have OCD and ADD.
I'm honest. I'm generous. I'm sensitive and thoughtful.
But I'm tough and I'm impatient and I'm demanding.
I'm direct. I'm a strong woman.
[audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
[mouthing] Thank you.
[cheering continues]
Thank you.
Thank you so much. I'm proud of who I've become.
When you're a public figure, you're open to everyone's interpretation.
I'm sure you've heard the saying,
"What other people think of me is none of my business."
People will say all kinds of things, and you have no control over that.
But you know the truth, and that's all that matters.
But that is easier said than done
because being in this business, I have had to care what people think.
Because being a comedian or a host, it's our only real currency for success.
If they like you, you're in, and if they don't, you're out.
And I've spent an entire lifetime trying to make people happy,
and I've cared far too much what other people think of me.
So the thought of anyone thinking that I'm mean
was devastating to me, and it consumed me for a long time.
But with time, you gain perspective, which is one good thing about aging.
It doesn't totally make up for arthritis and brittle bones, but...
[audience laughs]
But with perspective, you realize that caring what people think,
to a degree, is healthy.
But not if it affects your mental health.
[audience cheering]
So after a lifetime of caring, I just can't anymore.
So I don't.
[audience cheering]
But, if I'm being honest...
[audience laughs]
...and I have a choice of people remembering me as someone who is mean,
or someone who is beloved.
"Belove-ed"? "Beloved"?
[audience laughs]
Beloved. Someone who is beloved?
Someone who is "belove-ed." Beloved.
"Beloved-ed." Someone who's beloved.
Someone who is "beloved-ed." Someone who is beloved.
I choose that.
- Thank you. - [audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
[whooping]
[cheering continues]
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Have a seat.
Thank you so much. Wow.
Wow.
[audience whooping]
Well...
Wow.
Um...
First of all...
First of all, that was just, um, unbelievably beautiful, and, um...
You know, there is just nothing better
than being surrounded by endorphins and joy,
and we don't get that that often now, and this was beautiful tonight.
This was absolutely...
[audience cheering]
I, um... [clears throat] I had no intention of doing a special.
I had no intention of doing anything ever again after the show.
And I really, uh...
I didn't think I'd ever find the funny in it.
And the fact that I have been able to travel and do this
and see the love and support
that is still there for me, which I didn't know I had.
[audience cheering]
Um...
It is...
It's been... It's been beyond healing to say the words every night,
to-to feel the support and the love.
And so I am so glad I got to do this.
I'm so glad I got to say goodbye on my terms,
and I can't thank you enough.
- [audience cheering] - Um...
This is a night I will always remember.
And, uh, I... I just... I just...
Thank you.
And I just want to bring my wife out here 'cause it's our anniversary.
[audience cheering]
["Golden" by Jill Scott playing]
She's crying...
[cheering continues]
Thank you, everybody. Thank you, thank you.
♪ I'm taking my freedom ♪
♪ Pulling it off the shelf ♪
♪ Putting it on my chain ♪
♪ Wearing it around my neck ♪
♪ I'm taking my freedom ♪
♪ Putting it in my car ♪
♪ Wherever I choose to go ♪
♪ It will take me far ♪
♪ I'm living my life like it's golden Livin' my life like it's golden ♪
♪ Livin' my life like it's golden Livin' my life like it's golden ♪
♪ Livin' my life like it's golden Golden ♪
♪ Livin' my life like it's golden ♪ Livin' my life like it's golden ♪
♪ Livin' my life like it's golden Golden ♪
♪ I'm taking my own freedom ♪
♪ Putting it in my song ♪
♪ Singing loud and strong ♪
♪ Groovin' all day long... ♪